Timileyin Akinkahunsi
Shalewa Fadahunsi, a mother of three children is living her life as a single mother. She does not feel awkward to describe herself as a divorcee. Arranging her African prints inspired throw pillows as she welcomed our correspondent into her living room, the 38-year-old woman looked very healthy and happy. Being the only daughter of her parents, Shalewa watched her parents’ marriage blossom over the years.
“My Dad was a deacon in the Anglican church while my mother was the head of the marriage counselling unit. Though they are no more, they left an unforgettable legacy of what an ideal marriage should look like. I always admired them and I always told myself that I would handle my marriage with care,” she told our correspondent. Shalewa was that type of child that never witnessed her parents argue or exchange words. So she had this fairytale idea of marriage; she always viewed the word divorce as vague and she never thought she would one day experience the ‘vague’ word divorce.
“Not only that that vague word manifested in my life after just 10 years in marriage, I am today a divorcee but a happy one for that matter anyway.
“My old uncles and aunties all had blissful marriages. Even though some of them married from other tribes; their differences made their unions stronger. So, no one in the history of my family ever had any form of separation or divorce.
“I am happy that I came out of it alive, sane and healthy. Of course, those who never knew what I went through could say things that are not complimentary about me due to my status, I am fine. I am quite aware that our society does not see anything ‘normal’ in a woman like me; I wore the shoe and I knew where it pinched. I wish those who are in marriage well while I enjoy another lease of life with my beautiful children,” she added with a smile.
Shalewa married her ex-husband, Bode Akande when she was only 21 years old fresh out of the university. When she met and fell in love with him, they could be described as the perfect couple.
Talking about the early days of her marriage, she told our correspondent, “Marriage was indeed a blessing just the way the bible describes it. Bode was the perfect description of a gentleman, I actually looked for the qualities I admired in my father before I accepted to marry him. Bode was very calm and loving; just like my father and he always put in a lot of effort to make me happy.”
Shalewa said she never had any reason to touch her salary as her ex husband who was an executive in an oil company made her and the children very comfortable.
“He showered me and the children with gifts and we went on vacations periodically. We were living happily as a beautiful family until Bode started to have affairs. He became promiscuous all of a sudden. The height of it all was that he lost all respect for me as a wife by bringing girls into our home. He would do whatever nonsense with them in my presence without any form of remorse,” Shalewa narrated her ordeal with her facial expression full of disgust.
It was obvious that she had overcome the pain and the torture her ex-husband put her through as she shrugged off all signs of bitterness.
“I have no regrets at this point in my life, I am celebrating my singleness and I cannot even imagine myself living with any man again. If my parents were alive, my decision would be like an abomination to them but I am enjoying my freedom; because I can wake up anytime I like, I can eat whatever I like without anybody bossing me around,” she said.
Asides the emotional abuse that Shalewa had to face in the hands of Bode; she told Saturday Punch how she was also physically abused anytime she confronted him for bringing his girlfriends to their matrimonial bed. The last straw that broke the camel’s back was when she realised she had been infected with Syphilis. “I was feeling very ill that morning. I even thought it was the usual malaria symptoms until I got to the hospital and I realised I was infected with syphilis and it was already at its critical stage,” she added.
Hearing this news from her gynaecologist broke her heart and immediately Shalewa got home, she rained curses on Bode and this led to her ex husband sending her packing out of the house with her children. Bode relocated to Ghana and that was how they were separated.
“That was the cause of our separation; subsequently after he got to Ghana, he sent information down to Nigeria that he wanted a divorce because he had got someone else to marry over there; I was even surprised that he still saw me as his wife because to me after he sent me packing, I had become a single woman again; even before he filed,” the interior decorator revealed. Shalewa was very excited when he officially filed for a divorce, describing the divorce papers as a breakthrough from shame and stagnation.
She said, “The peace of mind and excitement that comes with not living under the same roof with Bode is refreshing,” she added.
Chidera Alex-Igwe was introduced to Felix Madueke by their senior pastor in the local church she attended in Abuja. Chidera was a devoted church member and was a very active member of three different service units. She was a famous church member and every eligible bachelor wanted her as a wife. But due to the essential qualities she wanted in a man, she was extremely careful about choosing a life partner. As a lady that holds the doctrines of the church and rules of the Bible so dear, divorce was a taboo to her. She was the head of the singles fellowship in her church and she would always tell her group members to watch before they leapt when it came to choosing a life partner as divorce should never be an option. “I was a strong anti-divorce advocate. I mastered what the Bible said about divorce. I always told myself that nothing in this world would ever make me divorce my spouse when I eventually got married. I had some cousins and aunties that had been through divorce and I knew what their children had to face because of their separation,” she told Saturday Punch.
Chidera’s case was a very challenging one because she had a lot of followers that looked up to her and she had to live by example but the lemons life threw at her could not be turned to lemonades because they were already rotten. Chidera was a public relations consultant for some top multinational companies in Nigeria’s capital, Abuja.
At 28, she already had a nice apartment in the heart of Abuja and a good car. Life was fair and kind to her; so the only phase left for her was to get married.
“I was already comfortable as a single lady, so when our senior pastor introduced me to Felix, I was very excited because I knew I was going to date him with a purpose, seeing that he was the only son to one of the anointed pastors and elders in the church. He already ticked all my boxes,” she said.
That was the beginning of their relationship. Felix was a US returnee and he had come back to settle down in Nigeria as a car dealer. Loved and cherished by her parents who lived in the outskirts of Abuja, Felix would always go with Chidera to see her parents.
“My parents and siblings were very fond of him, I am the first child of my family with two younger sisters, we did not have a brother, so when I introduced Felix and they did their research and saw that he was from a good background, he was fully inducted to our family as our first son,” she told our correspondent during the week.
Her parents trusted her judgments and they knew that Felix must be a special man for Chidera to introduce him to the family.
Their relationship was mentored by the senior pastor and subsequently, after they dated for eight months, wedding preparations between both families kicked off.
“Our senior pastor mentored our relationship and we were always counselled regularly. We were so in love that within eight months, we were ready to walk down the aisle together. Felix was my perfect match. He was a complete gentleman. Felix didn’t even bat an eyelid when I told him I wanted to be celibate till our wedding night. He was even keener on being celibate than I was; this was what many of my former suitors lacked. And that was one of the major reasons why I thought he was God’s special gift to me,” she added.
Their wedding held and it was the talk of the town. Most of the girls wanted to be on her bridal train because it was the wedding of the moment.
“After our wedding, our parents and well-wishers enjoyed themselves and it was time for us to go to our hotel room and start a new life by consummating our marriage but nothing happened,” she said, dejection written all over her face.
Chidera was expectant like every normal bride who had been celibate would be, but her expectation was cut short when Felix did not make any move to initiate sexual intercourse between them on their wedding night.
“I was so expectant; you know how it is after being celibate for months, but Felix didn’t touch me on our wedding night. I just assumed he was tired due to the stress of the ceremony, so I was expectant that after our wedding thanksgiving ceremony, that we would consummate our marriage,” she added.
The marriage was never consummated. Felix did not look at Chidera the way a normal man will look at his wife lustfully. After five days, and nothing intimate happened between them, Chidera had to confront him to ask him why he had not touched her since their wedding day.
“When I asked him why he had not touched me since we got married, he looked at me as if he was irritated by my presence. He stripped me naked and spat on my body. He told me to my face that he could never touch any woman because he was not attracted to women. I was just waiting for the ground to open and swallow me; I was in shock,” Chidera told our correspondent, almost choked with disgust and anger.
Felix confessed to her that he was gay and was only attracted to men. He said he only got married to please his parents. Apparently his parents were aware of his condition but they thought he would change if he got married.
She added, “I was very disappointed that one of the elders in the church and a pastor would be part of such deception.”
Chidera did not keep quiet. She went to her parents and narrated what transpired between her and her one week husband.
The church leadership was informed, so a divorce was issued immediately based on the grounds of deception.
After what seemed like minutes of eerie silence in the room, Chidera gave a wry smile and said, “My sister, I was grateful to God that he revealed his true nature to me early. Even though I never thought I would be tagged a divorcee in my lifetime, I just accepted my fate and I saw my story as one that other young girls will learn from.” Chidera actually organised a mini party amongst her friends to celebrate the end of her fruitless union with Felix.
“I called my close friends for a get together even though I didn’t disclose the actual reason for the party which address I sent through a text message. They all came and were clueless about my invitation. They all knew it was not my birthday and when they came and I was the only one that welcomed them, they became more curious that Felix, my husband for one week, was absent
“I put aside shame and announced to them that I was through with my marriage which was barely a week old. I told them that I had discovered that Felix was a gay and only got married to please his parents. They were dumbfounded and confused; they wanted to sympathise with me but I told them that they should congratulate me that Felix showed his true colour very early. I told them to enjoy their meal, they couldn’t. They were worried about me, a bride barely a week earlier and soon to be a divorcee. I filed my papers the following week,” Chidera said.
Faith Eke, a 51-year-old mother of four children had a very smooth love life with her ex-husband. She said she was compelled to file for divorce when her best friend, her ex husband, turned into her worst enemy. Narrating her story to Saturday PUNCH, the gynaecologist said she never imagined that she would ever for one day get separated from her ex, much less file for a divorce from the father of her children.
“My ex-husband and I started our relationship on a very beautiful note. We grew up in the same neighbourhood in Anambra and we were more like family friends. We were friends for a long time and we shared a very strong bond. He was older than me with about six years, but we used to relate with each other like siblings,” she told our correspondent, going memory lane. Immediately after her ex-husband, Clement Anayo, got into the university, he officially asked her out and because of the bond they shared, Faith did not hesitate to say yes to him and that was the beginning of their romantic relationship.
“Our relationship was the type that was very purposeful, we knew we were definitely going to get married; our parents could not wait for Clement and I to set our wedding date. They were really anticipating,” she said.
Faith was very confident that even though she was from a broken home, she and Clement would make a perfect couple. She was conscious of her background as a child from a broken home but she believed that with Clement whose parents remained married, they were going to build a solid home.
“I was happy that Clement was from a peaceful home; his parents’ marriage was so beautiful even in old age unlike my parents that were separated because of my father’s infidelity. But I had vowed to myself that I would make my marriage work,” she said. Faith never wanted history to duplicate itself in her marriage, she was ready to make her marriage work at all cost.
“I and my siblings did not enjoy our childhood because my father was always distant from the home due to the friction he had with my mother; he only came to the house three times a year,” she said.
Clement was done with school and immediately after his youth service, he proposed to Faith while she was still in her final year in Nsukka. Their wedding was very elaborate and the talk of the town because everybody knew how close they were as children.
“After we got married, the first ten years of our marriage was indeed the perfect description of happily ever after. But from the eleventh year, my sister I saw hell, Clement started cheating on me and beating me. I was still ready to stay in the marriage for the sake of my children but he pushed me to the wall when he told me he wanted to marry another wife traditionally. I was still managing the punches and slaps but when he decided to shatter my heart by marrying another wife, I just had to step out of the marriage for my own peace,” she told Saturday Punch.
Faith had to relocate to the United States to start a brand new life; she did not see any reason to remarry, and she just focused all her attention on her career.
“After I left that marriage, my life has been better and I keep thanking God every day of my life that I stepped out. My new found love is my career and that is why I devote all my time and energy to my job and children. I don’t have any form of regret at all; my career is blossoming. I decided to keep on celebrating my divorce by not getting married again,” she told Saturday Punch.
Faith said she always advises her female children to love a man with their head and if they are enduring in their marriage, divorce is always an option. ‘I don’t want my daughters to ever experience what I went through just because I was trying to hang in there for the safety of my kids,” she said.
Explaining why a woman should not divorce her husband under any circumstance, Pastor Rotimi Akitan used Faith’s story as an example. “That kind of woman should not have left her husband for the sake of her children; she was supposed to have taken it to the lord in prayer and be patient; just for the sake of her children.”
Micheal Ashibogwu, a sociologist, says it is not normal when women celebrate divorce in our own clime.
“But if it occurs, it means there are factors responsible. It is possible that the marital expectations were far-fetched from what they experienced in the marriage,” he told Saturday Punch.
He further explained that there are some cases where celebration is justifiable; just like the case of Chidera who was celibate before she got married and later discovered that her husband was gay. “With a case like that, the woman is free to celebrate because the marriage was not consummated, therefore that kind of marriage can be annulled. I won’t call that a divorce because there was no form of sexual intercourse between them; so the marriage can only be annulled. I have handled a case like that before where the woman discovered that her husband was impotent after they got married,” he added.
source: http://punchng.com/divorcees-reveal-why-they-relish-their-freedom/
