Lo♥︎ing legal life: Who do you think you are?
This week, Systemic Coach Zita Tulyahikayo and Barrister and NLP Master Practitioner James Pereira QC discuss the meaning and importance of self-awareness.
By Zita Tulyahikayo and James Pereira 20 April 2018
Who are you, really? And what are you like as a colleague, manager, parent or lover?
The answer to these questions will depend on who you ask and how you ask it. We may believe that we know ourselves well, but often all too often the way we see ourselves and the way we are seen and experienced by others are far apart. At its heart, self-awareness is about understanding these different perspectives.
Robert is an experienced lawyer who likes to impress clients by being seen to fight their corner forcefully and aggressively. He feels pleased with the job he has done after a hard day negotiating against the opposition. He does not realise that many clients never return because they consider him lacking in objectivity and prone to making bad judgments in the heat of the moment. His colleagues won’t talk to him about this for fear of reprisals. He interprets their distance as an acknowledgement of his power.
James Pereira QC
James Pereira QC
Lucy feels she works too slowly and lacks the forcefulness to drive a hard bargain on behalf of her clients. She often under records her time and usually feels someone else could have got a better result than her. She is always surprised when clients return. She does not realise that they value her diligence and balanced judgment and would be prepared to pay more for her services. Her low self-esteem makes her quiet which colleagues interpret as aloofness and arrogance, so they rarely praise her even though they recognise her worth. She interprets their distance as an acknowledgement of her failings.
Both Robert and Lucy lack self-awareness. Neither of them is effective in examining their internal dynamics; and neither have a real sense of how they are perceived externally by their clients and work colleagues. When they try and understand their relationships with work colleagues, they do so in a way that reinforces their existing patterns of self-perception rather than questioning it.
What is self-awareness?
Dr. Tasha Eurich, writing in the Harvard Business Review, explains that there are two types of self-awareness: internal self-awareness, and external self-awareness.
Internal self-awareness is concerned with how we see our own feelings, our place in our surroundings, our reactions and our impact on others. It is associated with higher job satisfaction and success in personal relationships; but also with negative impacts such as stress and anxiety.
External self-awareness is about understanding how other people view us. It is associated with greater capacity for empathy and understanding of others. Leaders who display high levels of external self-awareness are valued more by their team, feel more highly valued themselves and happier.
As Eurich explains: “The bottom line is that self-awareness isn’t one truth. It’s a delicate balance of two distinct, even competing, viewpoints.” The examples of Robert and Lucy illustrate this.
Why is self-awareness important?
Zita Tulyahikayo
Zita Tulyahikayo
It is not hard to see why self-awareness is a key part of successful working and personal relationships. Leaders lacking in self-awareness are likely to overestimate their own abilities, will be less able to accurately evaluate their own strengths and weaknesses and those of their team, and are less likely to identify their clients’ needs and how best to meet them. As for personal relationships – which are no different to work relationships – we all know the negative impact on personal relationships caused by a lack of understanding of our own behavior and how it impacts on others.
Self-awareness is also closely linked to productivity and effectiveness. A 2013 study commissioned by U.S. consultants Green Peak Partnership and carried out by Cornell University looked at the leadership styles and effectiveness of 72 senior executives across 31 different companies. The study was carried out over a four-year period. It found that hard-driving “results at all costs” executives were generally harmful to the bottom line; while those executives who were more likely to drive good results were self-aware executives who were especially good at working with individuals and teams.
As the authors put it, “soft values drive hard results.”
What can we do to become more self-aware?
Becoming self-aware requires effort and it is an ongoing task. Here are four practical steps that you can take to improve self-awareness.
Seek feedback from clients; speak openly to loved ones: there is a very simple and effective way to understand how we are seen by others, and how our actions have affected them. Ask. Seeking honest feedback from clients and colleagues is a very good way to understand our own strengths and weaknesses. Similarly, speaking openly to loved ones about misunderstandings or potential points of conflict will enhance our sense of self and how we are seen by others.
Replace the inner critic with the voice of self-acceptance and non-judgment: when we process feedback from others in a negative way or judge ourselves harshly it is difficult to genuinely listen to what we are being told, and really challenging to take anything positive from the experience. On the other hand, if we suspend self-judgment and our judgment of others, we are better able to tune in to what is being communicated to us. By cultivating a willingness to accept our strengths and weaknesses for what they are, we become more motivated to identify positive actions and set in motion the process of beneficial change.
Ask “what” rather than “why”: research carried out by Eurich identified that asking ourselves “why” (as in, “Why did I behave like that?” or “Why am I feeling this way?”) is a surprisingly ineffective way of increasing self-awareness. It tends to generate answers that reflect our own internal bias, and can reinforce the pre-existing patterns of our own internal dialogue. By contrast, asking “what” (as in, “What triggered my behavior?” or “What would make me feel differently?”) tends to direct the mind towards a solution-based outcome which identifies positive steps for the future rather than dwelling in the past.
Make space and time for reflection: self-work takes time and effort. While many people pride themselves on keeping busy as though that were a thoroughly good thing, this is often the subconscious’ way of avoiding the challenging task of addressing our deeper needs. Diarise time for reflection on what has happened during your day or your week, so that you can identify areas of your life that would benefit from greater self-awareness. Putting aside some quiet time in the evening before bed can be a very productive way of identifying how the day has gone. What has gone well? What have I learnt about myself and others? What needs to be addressed? Keep a journal with you so that you can note down your thoughts and reflect upon them.
Progress, not perfection
Life is a process of constant evolution. We are always changing and so are those around us. Few have the time or inclination to become a spiritual mystic or guru. We do not need to set our sights on the unobtainable. The simple truth is that how we see ourselves and how others see us are both integral and equally important aspects of our unique identity. With that simple truth begins a deeper understanding of who we really are.
The authors welcome feedback from anyone concerned with the issues raised in their writing, and are also interested in hearing from anyone with suggestions for future articles. You can reach them at zita@lifetherapywithzita.com and on Twitter @LifeTherapyZitaand at james.pereiraQC@ftbchambers.co.uk and on Twitter @JamesPereiraQC.
